The Anti-Relena Press: #1 tabloid choice for Relena-haters around the world!
Princess Relena of the Cinq (or Skank, if you prefer) is involved in many scandals!
(Reporter's note: In the past, we have spelled it as S(k)ank. The correct spelling is Cinq, and it is French for for five. We will be using different spellings throughout the page, so don't get confused!)
Relena has secret lives, and we are here to expose them! No filthy, disgusting secret will go untold!
Relena is actually a man!
After following Relena Peacecraft around for 24 hours, secretly (We were hiding behind bushes and trees, yet she didn't notice us. even when the bushes and trees moved.), and we discovered something very disturbing...
Relena is a MAN! We won't go into details, because they are too disgusting. My assistant is in the mental asylum because of some of the things we saw.
At midnight, we began to watch Relena. We managed to stay awake the whole time, thanks to 200 candy bars and several 2-liter bottles of pop. When she woke up, she got dressed, and thankfully, she wore her underwear to bed, including her bra. We also found out that they're not real, or even implants; she stuffs with bags of sand.
We watched her do the usual morning junk. She brushes her teeth with pigeon crap. She brushes her hair with a live porcupine.
She set off to class, where we sat for six hours or so, bored to tears by her foolish notions of pacifism. Even my three year old cousin's ideas are more realistic! We also managed to find out that they are serving grade F food with mind-altering substances in them.
After school, she went back to her room and did her homework, studied, and all that other boring crap. We almost died because she's so dull. She watched the television, and she didn't even turn it on. At one point, we heard her say "Oh, the plot of this show is so hard to follow sometimes!"
Later that evening, she undressed, and you won't believe what we saw!
It's so small! Then, my assisant fainted, falling two stories, into a tree. I refuse to go into the disgusting details, because I am close to throwing up on this paper.
Signing out, I am Shine No Miko.
Relena leads a secret second life!
While we followed Relena for a second period of twenty-four hours, we discovered another disturbing secret! Relena leads a second life as a hooker!
Starting out at midnight, once again, going through the same boring daily things.
It was a Friday night when she left campus, driving her pink limo, without Pagan, to the nearest large city. She entered a public bathroom, and we did not follow her into the stall.
She left the stall wearing a tight, short-skirted dress. She walked to the bathroom mirror and sink, pulling out a makeup kit. From where, we do not want to know. She applied pink eyeshadow all the way to slightly past her eyebrows, along with hot pink lipstick, and more blush (Pink, of course!) than she needed.
Leaving the bathroom, we followed her. She stepped out onto the street, and we hid behind a telephone pole. She didn't notice us. A man passed by.
"Hey, sailor, looking for a good time?" she asked him.
The man had a disgusted look on his face. It wasn't like he had something against hookers, since few men do. It was that Relena was, no, IS so ugly!
We watched this routine until midnight, when we got so afraid that we ran away. A man had accepted her offer. We did not want to see her do her job.
Signing off, I am Shine No Miko.
Relena's illegitimate child!
Once again, we have followed Relena. This time, we found something that could continue this awful, Relena-filled existance for another generation!
As always, starting at midnight, we watched. Around three in the morning, we heard a noise. We climbed in through an open window, and crept past the sleeping ugly's bed, into the next room.
To our INCREDIBLE suprise, there was a baby crib sitting in one corner of the room. We tiptoed over to it, careful to be as quiet as possible. We leaned over the edge, and saw the most horrible thing imaginable!
A baby Relena! We clapped our hands over our mouths, supressing our screams. Who could the father possibly be? We stared in astonishment until sunrise.
We heard Relena waking up, and we ducked under the baby crib to hide. To our horror, another pair of feet appeared in the room. We looked up as much as possible, but we could not see this new person's face.
"Hello, my dear," said an aged male voice. We recognized it as Pagan!
My assistant was turning green in the face, and she looked ill. I glared at her to clap a hand over her mouth, so she wouldn't puke, which would give us away.
We stayed there in shock, until it was midnight again. I will not describe what we heard before we left, because it has given us nightmares. Horrible, horrible nightmares.
Signing off, I am Shine no Miko.